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  • Betina Vargas C & T

Some lessons for a healthy and long intimate relationship

Despite being very discrete about my personal relationship, today is Valentine’s Day, this year my husband and I complete 10 years of marriage, and I felt it was time to fulfil people’s curiosity and share the experience acquired in almost 15 years of relationship.


We met in 2005 in less than ideal circumstances: he was with his girlfriend, and me, going out with his friend. Before you start to hate us, I can guarantee that we have simply admired each others “presence” on that first day. A friendship was still to evolve and we were still to be single, before we admitted our feelings for each other and acted on it.


Our relationship was marked by intensity. I brought the fun and excitement, he brought the centre and the peace. Our fights were horrible and our passion, even greater, but even in the midst of that storm, we always had the idea that we were together to grow and evolve and to make the other and ourselves, happy.


In 2009, we were dating for quite some time, had graduated in Uni and me (only me) was certain that I was moving to England (a promised I had secretly made to myself before meeting him). We were very much in love and I desperately wanted him to follow me, but what people seemed to see was that I was selfish for not staying… Well, the logic was quite good: this is your Country, you can have bright careers in here and… What the h*** are you going to do on the other side of the world?


Those were tense times and it wasn’t fun to explain to everyone what he had already understood, but always seemed to bring humiliation and sadness to him. By judging us, people were also breaking our hearts.


But the day arrived and we said goodbye. As I was hoping, he decided to follow me and on a Skype call he asked my hand in marriage… we laughed so hard from the fact that this was the non romantic story we would tell our grandchildren one day. But so it happened: I went back to attend my sister’s wedding ceremony on Saturday and we were practical and married on the Friday before.


Our relationship, seeing from far, could seem the most normal one and seeing from close, couldn’t be more unique. We wrote our own story. At our beginning, some people thought I was mean to him; when we got married, some people thought it was only for his visa; and now, people think we don’t post enough photos and love declarations on social media.


But here we are. And we were there for the good and we were there for the bad. And the bad, did come. Anything that is capable of affecting one member of this team, affects both, and the only thing that can be worse than personal dilemmas, are bills and routine, but it is in those moments, that you can choose to grow or to quit.


And quitting is not an easy way out… is just a valid option. And because of this option, is that you have to remind yourselves that staying together is a choice, so if you gonna do it, do it properly, put the work.


Personally speaking, I believe that we enter any relationship in order to meet one or more of our human needs and we just have to remember that we can do it in positive or negative ways, we have the power and the choice. And I also believe that every human relationship in this planet, has to be cared for, so it makes no sense to quit one and enter another, without giving your best effort first.


Even more personally, I thank my valentine, for knowing that me being happy, fulfilled in the others areas of my life, thriving in my other relationships and having some time for make-up and zumba, only makes him value me more. At the same time, every time I catch myself wanting him to do only what I want, I try to remember that if he is free and in his element, our passion and companionship only grow stronger.


Relationships are not suppose to be really hard, but don’t forget that they do require work and dedication.


So to all, I wish a happy Valentine’s Day and some even happier years.


Betina Vargas